Waiting...

I know i've posted a lot in these past couple of days, but there is so much happening that i want to keep track of!

My hearts cry since i've gotten here, has been to feel a manifestation of God. I desperately want to feel Him. All my life i have watched people come under the power of the Holy Spirit. Laughing with the joy of the Lord, shaking under His awesome power...And i have never felt any of that.

Ever since i got here, i've set my heart before Him and asked Him to touch me in some way. I have felt nothing.

Two nights ago, on the 11th, we had a time of prayer and prophecy over all the new students. And as i sat there waiting for a word, i decided to write in my journal, to express to God in writing the longings of my heart.

"God here i am waiting, but i don't know what i'm waiting for. I want to feel Your touch, but i'm met with absence, I want to hear Your voice, but i'm met with silence."

Before i had even finished writing, a woman came up to me and started talking to me. She told me the Lord had given her a word for me. She said that i was "searching, on a journey for more treasures in Him", she said that "He brought me here to find what i am looking for", and that "He'll meet me here, and it's going to be good".

Isn't it funny how God always knows exactly what you need to hear?

So i continued waiting.

The next night, they called all the new students to the front of the Awakening service and asked everyone to prayer over us. And again i stood there with my hands raised waiting. Just waiting. And asking Him to come and touch me.

Person after person prayed for me, and still i felt nothing.

I cried in my desperation, my burning desire to feel Him. To know that He was there.

The tears were hot, and i just couldn't stop crying.

I was embarrassed of myself and kept trying to wipe them away but they kept coming.

"Why can't i feel You? Why won't you touch me?"

They just kept coming, they wouldn't stop, and then as everyone else was laughing around me, i felt a heaviness come over me, and He asked me a question;

"Even if I never touch you, will you still seek Me?"

I couldn't help crying then, and i hurt. Inside and out. Just the pain of knowing that yes, even if He never came in the way i so wanted Him to, i would seek Him.

"Yes Lord." I whispered. "Even if you never touch me, i'll never stop seeking You, i'll never stop waiting for Your to come."

And then He chuckled over me. Softly. Like it was so sweet of me to say so, but He already knew.

Then He let me see myself as He saw me. It was like in those movies where the picture starts slowly zooming out from the people, to the city, to the state, to the world and then on to the solar system. I felt myself zooming farther and farther out, but the whole time, i could clearly see myself. Even when the world was just a little dot and i was staring through the clouds i could see myself with my hands raised, tears rolling down my cheeks, inviting Him to come.

It was an amazing view!

And then He revealed to me, that this whole time i was longing for Him to touch me, He was touching me. It wasn't the way i wanted, so i couldn't see it. I always wished for the laughter, or the shaking, or to be slain in the spirit. But He touches me with His mercy, softening my heart with tears of love. It was an awesome thing to realize after all this time!

For so long i've believe that i've never felt His touch, i was just so caught up in how He was touching others, that i wasn't paying attention how He was touching me.

It got even better.

Then He showed me how He speaks to me. I always knew it, i just had a hard time really believing He was speaking and it wasn't just coming from my own heart. The Lord speaks to me in song. He's been giving me songs all summer, i've just let myself loose sight of what's He revealed to my heart. I let myself be jealous of others and they way they heard and felt God.

How silly of me :)

I have many songs that i am going to work to put to songs, now that i really know that they are the whispers of God.

He spoke one last thing, that just might become a tag line to a song someday;

It's not me who is waiting on You...It's You who has always been waiting for me.